Defining My Place On A Team

Hey Guys It's been a while since I last posted, due to school and training for the season and dealing with some difficult stuff in my own baseball career I had to put my blog on a hiatus for a while.

But I have been able to gather enough interesting stuff to keep you (the readers) entertained for the months proceeding.

So basically this post I am going to reflect on the lows I have experience this year in terms of my baseball career. Remind yourself that I am still in college, going into my senior year and this set back has made me even more determined and focused on what I want to accomplish before my collegiate career ends.

August. 29th, 2011

Like most people I will never forget this horrific day. 

It was the 4th day of training camp for my college team, it was another hot muggy day at a ball park that was once home to a minor league team. Which are rare to find around Canada, (I play my college ball for a team in Ontario, Canada) and even more rare to be well kept.
So, anyway we took the field, I had something to prove that day. The days before I hadn't pitched too well, I just wasn't feeling the greatest, possibly fatigued from my long summer especially the traveling we did and relate this to how little down time we had in the WMBL. 
The day started well, some PFP's, a little bit of location work, and towel drills to warm us up. Coach informed my that morning that I would be starting for team #1 in the inter-squad game that afternoon. Being my self I decided to take a short lunch and get prepared early, both mentally and physically, making sure I was concentrating on the task at hand.
My first inning I allowed 3 walks and 1 hit but got out of without giving up a run, that was due to ground ball outs and some great outfield play. The second inning started with a walk then a hit, then a K, then a little bloop single, which scored a guy from second. I was mad, and I rarely got mad on the mound, it was one thing that made me kind of scared. After the inning I had given up 2 runs on 2 hits and 2 walks.
Worst of all I felt like I wasn't getting the velocity I really wanted, my arm just felt tired, overused in a way.
As I ran my poles after my two innings in the intersquad game, I was starting to feel doubtful that I would be on the roster at the end of the day.

I have never doubted my ability in my life, I played this game because it was fun and it was a passion of mine, being on the hill and being able to strategically get hitters out with my plethora of pitches. 

This day was different, I was running thinking this might be the last time I run poles on this field for at least a year, I thought that I hadn't shown enough of what I had developed over the summer. I felt trapped, and the only way I was getting out of it was through being released from the team.
As the day wound down and we finished the game, we all gathered in the outfield for a talk. This was basically a time for our coach to justify those guys who weren't on the roster sheet, he gave reasons like 'lack of hard work', 'not showing up in situations where we should', and 'not meeting the expectation'. I felt comfortable after he said the first two because I knew I was seen as one of the hardest working pitchers on our team and I knew I could be clutch which I had shown the coaches in camp by battling when I didn't have my best stuff. The last justification however, I knew I didn't fit, but I mean I was going against all odds, I battled an injury in the summer, learned alot of great stuff and was able to work as a 'pitcher' rather than a 'thrower' now.

We clued up training camp and we began our walk back to the clubhouse and the sheet was taped to the wall in the dugout, seeing my teammates from last year pass by glance and head to the clubhouse with great certainty I felt pretty good, but then my heart started to race as I got closer to the list as if telling me something bad was about to happen. I was at the list and scrolled down the yellow standard loose leaf sheet to see if my name was there;

It Wasn't. I had been cut.

Immediately, I didn't know what to do. My mind raced thoughts of dissapointing those who had commended me on how far I had come and how it would look in their eyes, especially my family who back in Newfoundland had watched me thrive as a pitcher and reach my goal of playing college baseball. How would they react?

With all this still in my mind I went up to where the coaches were seated to talk about my being cut and I could barely get one word out of my mouth before my eyes swelled up and tears began.

* Yes, there is crying in baseball. Especially if its your passion, if you invest every spare minute you have to the game and go across the country to play in an elite league. Also if you have sacrificed going home for a full year to pursue that passion. Every ball player has a right to cry if they meet these criteria*

The coach said to meet him in the clubhouse, that he would be down in a few minutes. So, I walked to the clubhouse trying to hold back tears, so that my teammates wouldn't be too hard on me after the fact. As I got in the clubhouse I erupted. .I threw my glove ripped off my cleats, crushed the garbage can, caught between rage and sadness.
My mind began to race again as I sat down, what would I tell my family? what would I be perceived as ? Was I still a ball player? all of these questions just made me doubt myself... this was a big problem.

Coach came around 10 minutes after I had literally destroyed the clubhouse and he sat down across from me in a stall. I had the first word, I said ' I guess I didn't meet your expectation coach', this supposed to be a smart ass comment, but I was in tears so it seemed like I was being hard on myself...maybe that was my intention since my doubt overshadowed my confidence all day...he responded and the only thing I really remember is him telling me this : ' You have never pitched well for us, its just not there'
Right then and there my tears stopped, I was really pissed off now. How was it that I had never pitched well? the season before I had some of the best stats for relievers throughout the entire season.
Then at the end of our conversation he hugged me (we were close me and coach, he took me in when I had no place to go for thanksgiving every year and we always were on great terms), and he said 'Don't let this define you', which were contradicting to what he said about my play, but I was not in the emotional state of mind to figure that out right away.

But Those words I never really understood until around a month ago when I began to throw again.
Which I will talk about in my next post in the coming days...

#37

Style/Swagger

Today in major league baseball you tend to see guys rocking chains, phitens ( http://www.phitenusa.com/ ), and power balance necklaces ( http://www.powerbalance.com/ ) while on the field. They might also have baggy pants with a flat brim and some white cleats. That is defining 'dirty style' which is also a group on facebook where ball players from across the world post pics of themselves playing and looking 'dirty' http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=660015085#!/groups/2219261134/ .
The group rates MLB players on their attire, accessories, and overall swagger. The two names that come up most often are brandon phillips and bryce harper who is not even in the bigs yet, he remains in AA waiting to be on the september call up list. These players bring an urban feel to the game in terms of their attire, Phillips is known to have his hat slightly tilted and jersey with 3 buttons undone. Harper is king of the accessories he was most famous for his war paint eye black, until recently the nationals told him that he was not aloud to wear it in such a way.
Although baseball in the recent years has gone down the path of urban style, you see guys now bringing back the old school look which is my favorite. The stirrups, long shaggy hair, maybe a mustache, and 3/4 sleeves. Brendan Ryan is what I like to call king of the old school, he has been rocking a mustache and mullet along with stirrups for about 4 years in the bigs. As a pitcher I prefer the old school look, because if you look back those guys had swagger, it wasnt as evident then in players as it is now. But it was there, guys like rollie fingers, dennis eckersley, bert blyleven, steve carlton, and of course that old grouch of an owner Nolan Ryan. Those guys epitomized Old School Swag, thats how I like it days of grit and grinding, where guys werent getting paid $1 million bucks to be a spokesperson for a brand. You be the judge, but I feel as though Old School Swag is defining part of baseball culture and bringing it back wouldn't be so bad.

The Weeks Remaining/Dissapointment and Goodbyes

We all know as baseball players and fans that every night can be different in terms of who wins and loses. Through the last few weeks of the season our team was getting pretty banged up with injuries and our heads werent really on the game. This was where I struggled, I wanted to leave weyburn knowing I had done well and proved something, but I mean I worked hard I just need to find something within myself to get me over that hump. I will admit I saw my stats go down the tubes, but I felt pretty good with myself. My last few appearances were mainly for me, although I always am a team guy. I wanted to prove to myself that this was just a bad stretch, which it was.
amongst all the hoopla with injuries and my mediocre performances my coach gave me a spot start against regina, he had seen my hard work all year and gave me a shot. I pitched poorly, but was thankful for the chance. That would be my last appearance on the mound for the summer, but my side work and off field training didn't stop. I hit the gym twice as hard, threw more long toss even got a few bullpen sessions in which helped me develop my change-up a little more.
With all that said ill get back to my team. As I said above we had our share of injured players and some of them were key components to our squad, we had our shortstop go down with a leg and back injury, our 2nd basemen go down with a nagging wrist problem, and one of our relievers out for the year with a lat injury in his back. We knew the last 3 weeks would be a grind, mentally and physically with the loss of some good talented players and a stretch of games where we played the 1st place team Regina 4 times. With all that said we pulled up our socks got a few key wins and mde the playoffs . But going into the playoffs we had been on a 7 game slide that gave us the 1st place team in the first round . We could have been playing melville though a team we knew we could beat on any given day, but the baseball gods rained on us during a game that we needed to win to get the higher seed and the game was canceled.
So we headed to regina to play game 1 of our 1st round series, we took an early lead and had our closer on in the 9th but we let it slip away on one error and a bad call. Down 1 game to 0 we headed back to regina the next day to play game 2, with our ace on the hill versus theirs. we battled and battled but they pulled ahead by 3 late and we were not able to come back. So back to weyburn we headed with game 3 the next day, there was an air of desperation but also one of calmness and belief. We played tied for 6 solid innings until a string of bad errors late and our bats getting shutdown caused us to be buoyed and end up eliminated.
This summer was one of the best of my life and I will never forget any of the boys who played with me, some of them will go on to bigger things in baseball, while all of us will move on to bigger things in life. I hope I return next summer because this is the type of ball I want to play every year because this is the type of ball that makes you a better ball player and person.

Thank you weyburn and thank you fellas for a helluva ride through the dusty plains of saskatchewan and the WMBL

Week #4 - Tired but Gaining Strength/OHHH Canada

As the old saying goes, forget about the past and think ahead about the future. Well for me that was a reality as I was roughed up on monday june 27th, the worst part was I knew that I could have done better. There are just those days that you think you're throwing well and everything seems loose, but when I hit the rubber I just could string together good pitches. Worst of all my head was cluttered with outside distractions, being a ball player I know I should have shaken those out. Who legitimately can do a job decently if they were stressed or were just off topic of thought? Not me that's for sure.
Being a pitcher who bares down and keeps his composure I did a poor job on this night, although I did not seem shook, mentally I was. That night when the swif current indians lit me up, I knew I wasn't working hard enough. So after some lousy feelings and positive self talk ( yeah thats right, positive self talk, because as dirk hayhurst said in the bullpen gospels, "We punish ourselves with negative self talk to make ourselves feel better, when really positively is how we should think"). As the days moved and we started to slide ourselves as a team I picked up my work load and ran with it to the point I was feeling stronger, more mentally tough, and more game ready.
As Friday July 1st rolled around the towns and people in them were painted in a sea of red and white to celebrate canada's birthday. Today we took the road to Moose Jaw to play a team we were more than capable of beating. Everything seems serene on such a monumental day, but in reality us ball players were worried about 2 things, the win and the fun that came after such a win. Early leads were usually something we had trouble attaining, but today on Canada's day, we put up a 3 spot in the first then 4 more in the second. Rolling? yep, our pitcher #22 was dicing on the hill, every second we'd be yelling GOTTT HEEEEM! (a little brian wilson war cry explains the saying). So with a 10-3 in the bottom of the ninth, yours truly got the call. So I hit the ground running, my confidence back at 100% and I had done some scouting earlier in the game and knew that the first guy was a dead pull hitter so anything on the outside part he would roll over on, sure enough with the count 2-2 he rolled over to the second basemen. I peppered the strikezone on the next guy with a barrage of curveballs, up 0-2 he worked me back to 2-2, then I ripped a change-up that got him way out in front for the K. And last I jammed this guy with a 1-2 running fastball that he lollipopped to our second basemen. Game Over ! yep that was it I was back, all because of trusting myself and working hard even though it was a long week with no days off. ( just to fill you in, of course when we got back from the game me and the boys hit the old stomping ground the King George pub to down a few ales in celebration of canada day ) OHHHHH CANADA

week #3 - Effort and a State of Emergency

We reached that pivotal point in the season, we are a 10 games played. So far we are 5-5, this is mediocre to say the least. Our coach believes and I am with him on this that we're better than our record shows.
We started thursday with a double header in Melville, which was a tough task as we had been a comeback team all year who seemed to get hot in the later innings. Both games would be just 7 innings, in the first one we started really slow not recording a hit until the 5th inning where we left 2 runners on base. Our ace was on the hill and was throwing well, he kept us in the game. In the end though we were downed 4-0. We now had a scoreless streak of 9 innings against this team stemming back to a loss 4 days prior.
The second game came around ans same story we were behind early, but with a pitcher on the mound who was making his first start of the year we seemed to stick with the Mils, down 1-0 and only recording one hit so far, we got a few timely walks and an error that would put us up 2-1. This must of been rough on melville, we had only 1- hit but we held a lead going into the 6th, where they threatened with a man on third with 2 outs. As our started left the game with the lead he put it in the hands of 'Bartolo' as we like to call him who hales from Cali. He proceeded to get a ground ball and get us right back on the sticks where we put up one more run and he held down the opposition in the bottom of the 7th to get us back in the win column.
I hadn't seen action for a good 4 or 5 days and was getting anxious. We were scheduled to play a home game against Saskatoon the friday after our DH'er, but what happened next was a shock to everyone, not just the players and coaches on our team, but the entire city of Weyburn.

That night on the ride back we were hit with severe thunderstorms, in whih 3 inches of rain had fallen. The next day flooding had occured all over town and we as ambassadors of the community were there to help. Some of us had problems with our billets houses and some went about town helping those in need. I myself went to our coaches house where his basement had taken a major hit, with the smell of sewage looming, 8 of us bailed around 250 gallons of water out of his basement with the aid of pumps and buckets. The next day it was declared that Weyburn was in a state of emergency. Of course being 18-24 year olds we did the only thing we knew how to do in a stressful situation like this. We hit the bars, with the whole team out we had a great night enjoying it as we knew. And me and 'Big country' as I call him had one helluva night, Ill remember to tell you about it later.

So as a Boil Water advisory went out, most of us were without showers, drinking water, and unable to wash clothes. That sunday though we had to suit up at home to play Melville. Surprisingly we had a good number of fans out to watch the game, but with exhaustion taking over we put up a fight but made mental errors which cost us to drop to .500 on the season and share 2nd place in our division with the Millionaires. I never saw action but was ready to go as I wanted to 'put on for my city' and show Weyburn that we could bring some hope to a city who had seen damages done that could cost them millions in repairs. After that game coach made it clear that some guys hadn't been doing their jobs and he was going to bring in guys who could, so now it was clear that turning into high gear was no loner an option, it was a requirement. I myself feel pressure now, but this is where I dwell, put a guy on the roster that might throw harder, have better stuff. But I will run harder, lift more, throw more, be at the field longer because baseball is like my frst born and its something I will never take for granted just like the people of Weyburn will never take water for granted again.
In my next installment I will enlighten you on the situation regarding the State of Emergency and how our team is performing including myself, both mentally and physically.

Week # 2 - Above .500

So week one was awesome, I was welcomed with open arms. We all bonded as teammates on and off the field, also we understood our jobs this summer, to play baseball .
Game 2 of the series against yorkton ended like a story book, I was red lighted as I was to be used in our next game on the upcoming monday. But our team showed grit on that day, we were 0-1 and knew we were way better than this yorkton team. Lets skip to the good part, its the bottom of the 9th and its 9-5 for yorkton, the fans had already started to exit Tom Laing Park, but we knew that his wasn't over. With 1 out Yorkton brought in their second reliever of the game and he was having a hard time hitting his spots. As the first two batters he faced got on we loaded the bases one batter later. Then our pinch hitter came up 'Chad' , a kid from new orleans, so in story book fashion he roped a line drive that the outfield Botched and so it was now 9-8 with 2 outs (there was a stirkeout in there somewhere , excuse my loss of memory). Now it was a runner on 3rd, DP our left fielder went to the dish after getting down 0-2 he lined one at the shortstop, he jumped and the ball fell out of his glove it was on now, tie game 9-9. After a single and a walk, we were in position to win this thing. Our #2 hitter came up, with one pitch the game was over. The pitcher ran a fastball in that caught our hitters arm, walk off HBP. Now thats a greasy win, but thats what we do we get wins anyway we can.
The next night we were at home again against the league leading Regina Red Sox, these guys were known for having a strong team every year in the WMBL. So lets just say the game never went the way we wanted, we lost yes and lost big. But I got to do some mop up duty. I was on the bump in the 8th with 2 outs and gave up 2 hits before getting a ground ball to end it, then in the 9th I got a quick K then walked one. The next batter popped up, and the one after that grounded out. Another solid outing, but damn that loss left a bitter taste in everyones mouth.
So we were 1-2 going into a road gam against yorkton, but luckily enough our #1 starter was on the bump for this game. After some struggles with umpires and a key error in the field he battled to get a CG win. This was huge although I got 'dry humped' in the pen, meaning I got hot and was told that I wasn't needed. Hey we are now at .500 (2-2) on the year. This led us into our Saturday night showdown at melville.
This game started good, 4 runs for us in the top of the first as the Melville started struggled to throw strikes. Our starter was again rolling in this game, he was mowing down batters possibly hitting 90mph with nasty breaking stuff. Around the 5th though there was some chirping going on as our bench was getting in the pitchers head, it got tense after our pitcher gave up a 3 run shot bringing Melville within 1, but our bats were hot. After a few walks and a couple of singles we put up a 3 spot to spread our lead back to 4 runs.
Skip to the 9th, after a barrage of runs we had a comfortable 14-5 lead. But our starter (still in the game) was getting tired leaving pitches up in the zone, so melville capitalized. I was sent to warm-up in the pen, working quick I didn't even notice but he got out of the jam to pick up the CG win. The final score was 14-9, but most importantly we are now above .500 on the year (3-2).
It is about trusting your stuff, hitting the ball hard, rattling the opposition and knowing that you are better if you you just put your mind to it. That is how I define Beaver Baseball.

Week #1 Cnt'd - First game = First debut

So after the 'lights out' fiasco in Melville. We took to Tom Laing Park to play a 2 game set against the Yorkton Cardinals. The game was going smooth our starter who is from Eastern Arizona CC was rolling through 5. In the sixth though the cold got to him, hes a mexican kid from Arizona, so I don't think he was quite adjusted to the 8 degree celsius weather. As the runners crossed the plate for the Cards, our first reliver got hot in the pen. I sat nervously on the bench trying to stay warm and loose. It was tough, but it had to be done. So after one quick inning in the sixth for our first reliever he struggled in the 7th.
Our pitching coach gave me the nod to get loose. As I sprinted, stretched and threw, I knew it was my time to heat it up. So I worked on spotting my pitches in the pen, then he told me I would be in for the 8th and 9th no matter what.
I didn't have much behind my fastball but that didn't stop me, as I left the pen and ran to the bump I was ready to go. My first batter grounded out, the next one proceeded to squeak out a base hit that my shortstop just narrowly missed. The next batter went down on strikes (the hitter in question had hit a 2 run bomb in the 4th inning of the game), with the big bat out of the way I met the #4 hitter who hit a long fly ball. My right fielder laid out and it just tipped off the heal of his glove (SHIT). 'hey I gave my outfielder a pat on the back because in that cold on that unforgiving ground that was an awesome effort. The next two batters then popped out to end the 8th, I was quite content with only 1 run given up . In the ninth I was getting hit hard, but after a pop out, then immediately after with a runner on first my shortstop made a diving stab behind second, made a quick flip and got the DP to end the top of the ninth.
Although we didn't win I was happy with my effort, I knew if I kept working hard on my off days I would be able to keep the flow and maybe even solidify a spot as the set up man.
keep your head up eyes on the prize and never look back thats my attitude from here on out. Follow this advice and im sure anyone out there can do anything they choose